I start thinking of my old days of writing and sharing all the things I see of the world in my daily travels from home to work to play, and I'm reminded of what I love about life. I used to look at the divinity of things people so often see as simple, it comes so easily to me, yet here I am lately returning to my closed off state of being, not seeing the flow of things.

I let the things that happen to me influence my nature, instead of choosing what things I let affect me. I can't change the past, be it recent, or long gone, but I can change the now, especially in how I proceed with my world. And yes, it is indeed my world, to do with as I may. We each have that, even if we do not see or know it. The scope of the sphere of influence upon our worlds is ours to control.

I'm sure somewhere there are self-help books out there to help people figure out how to influence themselves instead of letting the world influence them, but at this time I couldn't recommend any of them. I didn't learn what I know from a book, at least, not the most crucial things for certain. I just had to live it, look at it from the outside (so very hard to do from the inside at times, but gets easier with practice, a lot of practice), and make things happen.

Where is this entry going, you ask? Does it need go anywhere? I respond. These words are just food for thought. Perhaps to inspire someone, perhaps to inspire myself. Time to resume my daily journeys, with a smile, and an open heart, seeing life.

The storms were only briefly anticipated before their arrival, we were herded in to somewhere hoped to be safer than the building itself, all I recall all of us were women and children, and it's the children I recall most.

Some young girls, ages somewhere between 4 and 8 approximately, wouldn't sit down, and were confused and shocked. I remember turning on my "Mother" voice, and chiding them into sitting, and then immediately feeling remorse, oddly more so because they did exactly as I asked. I then spoke more softly to them, soothing their fears as best I could. We were all a little scared.

The rains came first, as seems logical in retrospect. They hit hard, coming from almost nowhere. I mean, really, not long before it had been sunny and quiet. Perhaps that was why, was it too quiet? The rains arrived from above us, up the mountain. This only matters because of the fact that the tornadoes came from the other side, from below. Those came to us from the sea. I don't understand the logistics of these storms either, none of it made sense, even though all the while, in a way, it made perfect sense at the time.

There were murmurs around the room, or perhaps it was being shouted out. Hard to say which at this point, with the emotions so strong. The words though, they bespoke of "The Prophesies", and that this was a sign. I wondered briefly if it was supposed to be the impending Armageddon, or was this prophesying something else. All I really knew was it was going to be intense. There was a dinosaur on the down-slope, being washed away, and this was all apparently part of the prophesies. In that state of mind, I thought she was alive, but looking back, it might have just been the flood's motion making a replica move as if so.

That was another piece of the puzzle, the first flood came from the rains dropping down on us from the higher elevations, yet that wasn't where the real flood came. It might have been a tsunami, for what it rose up from below, but it didn't come straight up, it came from the side.

By this time, I was in the storm, no longer sheltering in some space. I don't recall how I got there, only that I was there. I saw the flood waters come, this huge wave of water. It didn't hurt when it engulfed me. I didn't bother trying to run. With a serenity that comes with knowing the inevitable, I accepted that it would overtake me. It swept up around me.

I remember hearing someone "say" their arms were tired, yet how I would have heard that, I don't know, because I just remember being underwater the whole time, feeling the currents writhing around me, swirling and pushing, whether up or down, who could say? I was certain that this would be where and when I would die, and I remember feeling a sadness, and thinking of the children, thinking of my children, thinking of the children at the hotel. The sadness was then, not for my life and my own loss, but for theirs.

That was the first thought I had when I woke up, thinking of how the children wouldn't be so lucky as to wake up, lament for the loss of those innocents. In the dream I woke with knowledge that not many survived, perhaps someone had spoken it to me, or perhaps just as in dreams is apt to happen, the foreknowledge was given of the subconscious.

I'm asking here, hoping one of my friends can help me find a place that fits my needs, and maybe even draw me a map.

I need to not run into residences, other hikers, or sheer rock cliffs that require climbing gear. I do need water nearby, preferably a clear-ish stream fed by the mountain run-offs and drinkable. FYI, my definition of drinkable is: not downstream of chemical or waste plants, free-flowing natural water. A bit of natural algae never hurt anyone, and when hiking for a day, there's only so much water I can carry with me. I also would like some small waterfalls at least, somewhere along my trip.

The hike itself: 1-2 days, with likely 1 overnight, if I can manage to tote a sleeping bag with me among my other necessities. Hills are great, mountains maybe not so much. I'm not in the greatest of shape, so sharp inclines or declines might be dangerous if I am making my own path.

Goal: get alone, deep into nature, and do a major energy purging/cleansing with the elements.

Who can help me? I can drive anywhere within an hour to an hour and a half of Portland, as long as there is safe parking space for my car.

I've decided not to go to burning man this year. It was of huge importance earlier, but now, I realize that there are things I want to do more, with both my time, and my money.

Time: I plan on taking a walk-a-bout, packing up a backpack, and going out into nature for 2 days and a night. No, I haven't figured out where. This is totally separate from Leatherwoods. This is me taking some serious me time.

Projects: Homemade dress form, and creating some outfits. This is a very long term project that will get pushed off often but comes back. The dress form should happen in the next month, though. Fabric is pricy though, and I'm wanting nice things.

I feel good about all of this, and where I am, don't pity me for not making burning man. I'm happier making these other plans.

I'm not sure if the stars are all aligning this year, but I'm doing everything I can to push them into line.

Checklist:

~Ticket purchased and in hand? Check.

~Ranger training sign up and approval? Check. (Yay!)

~Transportation arranged? Err... in progress, or I should say, looking, waiting, hoping something within my limited budget comes up.

~Camp plans? Well.. no, not really. Me and my minimal gear will figure that out between now and then, all offers from friends will be considered. Food and water I'll take in with me, unless I find a camp with an affordable buy-in plan.

If any of my friends has space for a travel companion with probably 2 bins, 2 duffle bags, and a bike (or even if you can only take the bike or bins... I may need to split up things, and might end up driving if I get someone to share expenses with, got a spare bike rack to lend? I know how to get rid of playa dust before bringing it back to you. *smiles*), and/or room for a small tent-ing camper who will likely be gone more often than not doing the Ranger thing, please don't hesitate to email me or post here. Any advice is welcome. I do work for gas, by the way, though from Tuesday the 31st, I can't commit time till I get a schedule.

Tonight's reflections on conversations bring to light major differences that come from being raised with necessities being actual necessities, versus being raised where necessities are taken for granted, and material goods bring happiness.

I never had much, and being the second child, most of the things I owned had previously been owned by my sister. The few things I had for myself were, a tape/radio player, most of my music tapes, and my imagination. Even my books were borrowed from my mother. I never really thought about it, though, the fact that I owned very little in material goods. I never gave a thought to the fact that all the books that collected on top of my dresser were my mother's. It never mattered, other than in the fact that I would take better care of things that belonged to someone else because I wanted to return them in as good of shape as I was lent them.

I'm around someone who grew up fairly opposite to how I did lately, and we come up against various disagreements in philosophies that just don't feel to have resolution. We both judge based on where we come from, and perhaps we're both wrong, for what the other has experience in.

Complicated, but that's what keeps life interesting, yes?

I woke today to another email forwarded me by my Christian family members. In it, the author tells another anti-Obama story that may or may not be true, about his Muslim acceptance and anti-Christian behaviors.

In the message, the author fears for all Christians because the Muslim religion believes that "if Christians cannot be converted they should be annihilated"...

And here we come to the déjà vu moment. The Crusades, the pope sanctioned war against the Muslims. Christians invaded their homeland, killing Muslim believers and not. Is it retribution Christians fear? Truth is, not all Muslims believe in the "convert or kill" theology. Many Muslims live peacefully with their Christian neighbors. You never hear about those, though, because they aren't making the news. I've even seen the occasional Muslim show regret for what others have done in the name of their God.

Now, that would be an interesting twist: What if both sides were to forgive, and ask forgiveness of, the other? Yes, I know, not likely. But 8+ centuries is a long time to hate, and fear.

Edit: A friend on FaceBook, where this is mirrored, linked me this article on NPR with a comparison of violence in the Quran and the Bible. I felt it apt enough to include here, as it hits close to home.

http://preview.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124494788

I've returned to a semi-inspired state. It happened finally when I let go of expectations, and came back down to "me". Suddenly, my energy peaked, and has stayed that way, now on day 2, and with it, creative writing ideas started flowing into my head as if they'd just been sitting there, waiting for me to come back to them.

Where this will lead, who knows? I don't know if I'll get a full story out of these ideas, but I promise to write them down and work on them very soon. Perhaps tonight, after I get home from being social.

Sorry friends, but I won't be posting partials this time around, but perhaps I'll give you some tidbits of other creative insights!

Till later!

And with those immortal words ascribed to poets and fabled heroes, I set the new pace of how to deal with the beautiful chaos in which I thrive and sometimes falter.

I must return to my power, and let those things I call to me come to me when the time is right. I'm not particularly of a religious sort, but I do believe in the fates and karma. It will come back to me, I trust that now.

This too shall pass.

Coming to this recognition of self calms me again. I welcome these introspective moments back. It's about time for a transformation, it's been some time since my last one.

These words are present so much in this last week that I probably murmur them in my sleep.

The things I've learned in this last week: fear kills my patience. So, that said, to gain patience I have to conquer my fear. I finally figured that part out, it's so hard to see when I'm right in the middle of it. This advice I'd find easy to give another, it had to eat at me for a bit before I could figure it out.

So, what do I fear, you ask? I fear failure, and success. I fear love, or better stated, loss of it. I also fear the very same depth that my core has been seeking. I see all of these things, embodied in a beautiful mind, body, and soul... How does it go? Ask and ye shall receive. But read the fine print, careful what you wish for. Ask me again in a month, and I'll let you know if the gods are as cruel as my fear tells me they are.

Ah, back to the original topic: FEAR. I must get over this, and I think finally now that I recognize what fear is doing to me, I'll be able to fix it. I'm already feeling better. Not knowing causes fear to get out of proportion. I have to accept that I do in fact have difficulty at times when I am not in control. Not all things, but in my emotions, certainly. Next step? Occupy myself somehow to give myself less time for frets and fears.

I guess there's been too much I've hoped for that's always crashed to dust at my feet, I fear hope as much as anything else. Wow, that's the first time I've stated that one. Feels good to have it out, though. Knowledge is power, and I can do with knowledge what I can't do with unknown fear.